Gautamji

 My ignorance astounds me, my naivety confounds me. I have a head full of ideas which make little sense and a heart full of optimistic hope.  I am afraid that the world is not what I imagine it to be, the little I have seen seems to prove that to me. Yet I dream, for what else could it be? Untouched from any semblance of reality. For what is reality other than what I make of it? A shared delusion we have all agreed upon, or something more individualistic. Either way I say, I'll take life as it comes, day by day. There after all, is a morning after every night, the first rays of the sun shining, piercing through the dark with their light. Yesterday as I showered, I stood there in silence, staring into the bucket of water, watching its surface ripple, pondering upon the nature of happiness and how it seems it never last while sadness prevails steadfast. Every time I feel joy, I can be sure that it won't last. But this listless melancholy has stood by me steadfast. It is funny how

The threads of love are precious and fragile, don't break them, with nary a thought. Once broken they do not join, even on tying the ends, they leave a knot.

We live in an RPG, we the avatar thinking that we are the one who is in control. Never knowing the actual player driving us. The avatar sees no score, he sees no maps, he sees nothing cause he is trapped, Trapped in this game world, one life to the next. Reincarnating in different times, in different forms. Living whole lifetimes accumulating score. The score called karma. The player, the soul.

Far away somewhere, when the day goes to rest, The dusk sneaks up, shyly. Like a newlywed bride. And here, in the courtyard of my dreams, someone lights up a lamp Sometimes, when with no reason at all my breaths become heavy and my eyes well up with tears unshed With a flutter, lovingly, someone caresses me, but I cannot see her.. I cannot see her.. Sometimes these hearts are unable to touch and somewhere else, emerge connections deep and old The problem was such, it made my own heart the enemy belonging to me, yet bearing the pain of another. Only my heart knows all my secrets deep How I lost all my dreams, so golden These dreams, these alone are mine, I won't ever let their reminisces go away from me

Sitting and wondering, on this chair Alone in this room I wallow in despair This unexplained feeling of doom, this mind numbing spirit leeching gloom

Transcending both time and space it takes me to another place to a vacation, a holiday while I am right where I stay Speaking what can't be expressed Soothing the mind, giving it a rest Healing the heart, making it whole Like a heavenly balm soothing my soul -gautamji 

I feel lost at sea No land in sight Helpless to help myself I've got no respite Alone with my thoughts what a dangerous place to be My thoughts have become my greatest enemy I am running but going nowhere running on a treadmill of dread I am trying but I can't escape this horrendous woeful place They go around in a loop coming back where they started like a noose around my neck pulling me to despair